There were only about eight minutes of actual content in last night’s results show of American Idol, and of that content, none of it was remarkable. Unless you count the celebrity sightings of Mario Lopez and the mayor of Kalamazoo, Michigan. We knew that Scott MacIntyre would probably be sent to the bottom three, but the other two that joined him were anybody’s guess and when all was said and done, Anoop Desai and Lil Rounds joined him. It was Scott though who finally was sent home. His time had definitely come but it was actually bittersweet. Also bittersweet,  the fact that there were only four moments we could scrape together because this episode offered nothing.

4. The Search is Over for Scott

After Scott was revealed to be the lowest vote-getter, he walked the metaphorical plank while the Dread Pirates Abdul, Cowell, Jackson and DioGuardi debated his future. The judges’ votes were split two to two on whether to save him (but you know that had they saved him this week, he would get the boot next week). Ultimately we think it was his last high note (”Living for a drrreeeaAAM!”) where his voice cracked that spelled the end  for him. As always though, he was a class act and in a special PSA at the end of the show, Paula Abdul said as much when she went on about how amazing he was, when really you know the voices in her head were like “Just don’t say the word ‘blind’ out loud and you’ll be fine!”

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The American Idol theme last night was “Songs from the Year You Were Born” and we can think of about ten thousand songs we would have preferred to hear instead of the dreck that was sung last night. We were surprised by how much we liked hearing Allison Iraheta’s version of Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me” and we give credit to Adam Lambert for making the best song choice of the night with “Mad World” but we still don’t like that guy and ain’t nothing gonna change that. Here are a few things we did like:

5. Simon’s Standing O - Undeserved, We Think.

The best thing about the last fifteen minutes of Idol lately is that the judges have to rush through their critiques and give quicker-than-normal notes on a performance, like Kara DioGuardi saying to second-to-last performer Matt Giraud “Incredible on every level! Unbelievable!” and not trying to get poetic and verbose as she often does. So we were kind of shocked at Simon Cowell who chose critiqued Adam Lambert by simply saying “Words aren’t necessary, I’m just going to give you a standing ovation.” Simon, if he had the time, may have wanted to ask what, exactly, Adam did in that song that was so innovative or different from the version sung by Gary Jules for the Donnie Darko soundtrack. The song was written originally by Tears for Fears whose version was kind of uptempo-new wave, but then it was covered by Jules who uh, Adam basically ripped off. We still love the song and think it was a great oasis in a desert of blah song choices, but if you’re going to call something karaoke, this was it.

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During the results shows, we always feel a little bad for the contestants since their flaws are re-pointed out for the purpose of bringing everyone up to speed, and then we feel bad for being critical too. While we tend to flip-flop our support for Anoop Desai and Matt Giraud, we do stand by our criticisms of Megan Joy, and finally this week America also seemed to get sick of her too. Anoop and (for some unknown reason) Allison Iraheta were also in the bottom three (seriously America, what’s your beef with Allison?), but poor Megan was sent home to weepily reunite with her baby and caw softly to him to her heart’s content. Some of our other favorite moments follow.

5. The Get-Along Gang

During the “What do these guys do all week?” video we learned a lot about what goes on at their Hollywood mansion - a chef comes in and makes Scott MacIntyre special chocolate cake, Kris Allen practices his sexyface in the mirror, and everyone gets along.  There’s a lot of hugging and laughing at the mansion. These guys like each other so much that they do impressions of each other and the songs they’ve all sung. Trust us when we say that we once learned the hard way that doing what you think is a hilarious impression of a friend can lead to severed ties, so we’re impressed that these guys are so good-natured about it. Ryan made them all do some of the impressions on stage, with Matt Giraud and Allison Iraheta impersonating a riff-happy Danny Gokey and Anoop impersonating a yelly Kris Allen. Awkward much?

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Last night on American Idol, it was more about the hair than the music. Because if nothing else, the hair was more entertaining. It’s getting pretty easy to start weeding contestants out (we’re going to make a prediction that the final four will be Allison Iraheta, Adam Lambert, Danny Gokey and Kris Allen), because basically everyone has had a dud by this point, but some people haven’t recovered from those duds. There was no official theme for the show this week, the contestants could sing any songs that are popular on the iTunes download list, new or old. No mentors to glean important, historic lessons from either. There weren’t many highlights last night but here are a few moments that stood out for us:

5. All About The Hair

Everyone was rocking a new or improved ‘do last night. Megan Joy had a weird braidy-dreadlocky thing happening as an homage to her Bob Marley song, Allison Iraheta had the pink version of Tina Turner’s 1980’s wig, Scott MacIntyre was introduced to pomade before being given a ride in a convertible, Lil Rounds got a sleek new wig, and Adam Lambert kept his Elvis pompadour even though he was singing disco. All in all, we were focused on the follicles more than anything else this week - seems the contestants knew that we’d need something to distract us from their singing.

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Some things just boggle the mind. Like for instance, how that Nicolas Cage movie beat that Julia Roberts/Clive Owen movie AND Watchmen AND I Love You, Man at the box office last weekend. Sometimes we just don’t get people’s taste. Right now, we are questioning how America could put Matt Giraud in the bottom two last night and didn’t automatically eliminate Megan Joy or Scott MacIntyre.  Enough is enough, people! We’re stunned. Luckily, Matt was safe and the Texas oil-rigger with a hard candy shell but a soft center, Michael Sarver, went home. (But we don’t have to cry about it, all these people are going on tour this summer, let’s not forget that.) Here are our favorite moments from the show:

5. Smokey Robinson’s Anti-Aging Miracles

Yesterday a friend asked us where Smokey Robinson gets his youth serum and after last night, we’re starting to wonder too, the man is just not aging. Plus he acts like he’s one of the kids — the way he performed with Joss Stone made it look like the two were besties who were going to get a beer after the show. He was a great mentor this week who seemed genuinely interested in each contestant and we love him even more now than we did before.

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Not even going to use an opening paragraph to preface this post. Adam Lambert. Oh my God. Insane. So wrong. Also, what were some of these kids wearing? But mostly, Adam Lambert. No. Words. Here are our top five moments.

5. Anoop Dogg Vs. Tender Dogg

Anoop Desai professed (not all that shockingly) that country wasn’t his forte during last night’s episode devoted to The Grand Ole Opry, but his especially tender version of “You Were Always On My Mind” will definitely get him through this round, we think. Even if he isn’t the next American Idol, his performance last night bridged a classic song with classic Anoop coolness and made him a serious contender again. Even Simon Cowell said Anoop’s was one of his favorite performances of the night. However we can’t discount Kris Allen, who is also still in the running to win Cute Guy Idol (Side-Mouth-Singing Division). Kris sang Garth Brooks’ “To Make You Feel My Love” and did the whole sitting-on-the-stool-to-bring-the-room-down-a-notch move. It worked, although the bright lights of the Idol studio created quite a glare off his wedding band and only emphasized the fact that it’s his wife who gets to feel his love. (Under the protection of their his-and-hers aprons, of course). Randy Jackson started calling Kris “Tender Dogg” (dawg? dog?) because of his sweet singing, a name we don’t like. All we can think of when we heard it is our worst Chinese food nightmares come true.

4. Wardrobe Malfunctions

These guys have stylists working with them, there is NO need for any of them to look bad. And yet, weekly, some of them can’t pull it together. Even Megan Joy (no more Corkrey? What, is she the John Cougar Mellencamp of this season?) who was dealing with the flu looked stunning, but we take issue with Danny Gokey, Alexis Grace and Anoop. Danny was dressed like a safari astronaut this week. (And seriously, he changed his glasses again this week. We’ve heard of Transitions Lenses but maybe he invented Transitions Frames, the frames that adjust to your outfit?) Then Alexis Grace was dressed up to look like a child who got into her mother’s sequins and Manic Panic drawer, she looked so tiny and overdone. And, much as we love Anoop Dogg, we have to say that in the same way that Willie Nelson owns “You Were Always On My Mind,” Ellen DeGeneres owns the hoodie and blazer look.

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The New York Daily News reports that an American Idol staffer is telling people that the show’s creators have already chosen this season’s top four—allegedly Danny Gokey, Alexis Grace, Adam Lambert and Lil Rounds—despite the fact that there are still eleven contestants that, well, America gets to choose from.

Those ARE the people…Adam Lambert and Lil Rounds are better singers and musicians than Gokey and Grace, but they’re too much like past winners and ‘A’ successes…The producers really want it to be Danny or Alexis. They think they’re very commercially viable, have a good image and a great story.

Fox had no comment, and—even with rumors of producers stacking the deck with strategic song-shuffling—it’s hard to believe anyone could guarantee who makes the cut. Producers probably didn’t want Jason “I Shot The Sheriff, Presumably While High” Castro in last year’s final four instead of Carly “Randy Jackson’s BFF” Smithson. Likewise, photos of Lambert being out and about could make him less popular with middle America than Michael “Jesus Built My Oilrig” Sarver or Scott “Blind Faith” MacIntyre. While the “fixed” four are definite front-runners, you never know what could happen over the next month—just ask Joanna Pacitti.

Turns out America doesn’t give a crap about you no matter how uplifting your English as a Second Language backstory is or how many gorgeous sisters you have back in Mississippi. The two finalists sent home last night on American Idol’s first finals results show were Jorge Núñez and Jasmine Murray who proved they just couldn’t satisfy America’s taste for the King of Pop. Pack your bags and say goodbye to the insane Hollywood mansion we got a glimpse of last night, kids. No more black light bowling or steam room for you guys. As sad as their departures may be, we still found five choice moments to discuss.

5. The Judges’ Save

After announcing that Jorge was eliminated from the competition, Ryan Seacrest told him “I’m going to have you sing while the judges chat,” presumably about whether or not Jorge deserved “The Judges’ Save,” which is the new twist to season 8. Seacrest explained that the judges would allow one “save” this season in case someone they thought was worthy needed a second chance after being voted off. There will be only one save, it must be unanimous, and the week after the save, two people will be eliminated to make up for it. We LOVE that Ryan even bothered to tell us that during Jorge’s performance the judges would “deliberate” in case they deemed him save-worthy, because while Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell appeared chatty, uh, Paula Abul and Kara DioGuardi not so much. Paula was on her feet the whole time. But of course we know Paula expresses herself through dance.

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Aside from the over-the-top entrance by the judges at the top of the show, and the obvious sale on glitter at Sally Beauty Supply (it was swept liberally across all the girls’ eyes, Kara DioGuardi’s arms and Paula Abdul’s upper half — where she wasn’t enveloped in plumage), there wasn’t a lot of flash in last night’s American Idol. Considering the show was devoted to Michael Jackson, a man known for his sequins and sparkle, it was kind of a bummer. The big question is why would anyone sing a lesser-known Michael Jackson song? The man has 13 number one singles, why couldn’t each contestant take one? We’re looking at you, Scott MacIntyre. Here are five moments we loved from last night’s show.

5. The Battle of the Backstories

Our first favorite moment was actually several, let’s call it the battle of the backstories. We’ve run hot and cold on some contestants, but seeing their families root them on melted our hearts a little. We saw a lot of hardships being endured and a lot of familial love, like Scott MacIntyre, who has a sister who is also visually impaired, Lil Rounds‘ family of five, displaced due to a tornado, Megan Joy Corkrey and Alexis Grace’s babies, and Jorge Núñez who even went so far as to say that since the death of his grandfather, his being on the show has helped his family stay together. No pressure there, America.  While we learned something new about many of the contestants (Kris Allen is married? He and his wife have matching aprons???) the real question is will any of this have an impact on the voting?

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Ryan Seacrest was decked out in a suit for last night’s results show because he had a lot of work to do. Not only did he have to announce the show’s three finalists, two of which we predicted (are we getting better at this?), but he had eight wildcard spots to give out too. This week’s finalists were Lil Rounds who, as Paula Abdul so gleefully put it, we’ll be seeing for a lot more lil’ rounds, Scott MacIntyre, and the one person we didn’t predict, Jorgé Nuñez (pictured above). After seeing Jorgé’s excitement and the way that native tongue of his befuddled Ryan so, we were thrilled for him.

The first order of the night was the group song and as soon as Ryan announced it, we couldn’t avert our eyes. The group song has always been highly mockable but until last night’s version of Katy Perry’s “Hot N Cold,” we never thought it was pre-recorded. Trying to find out who was singing what part was a fun game because no one’s lips matched anything that we were hearing. Our eyes started to blur from looking at the TV so hard.

Lil Rounds was the first of the finalists to be announced — no shock there, she was a lock. Ryan asked Kara DioGuardi what she thought we could expect from Lil this season and Kara replied with “Just … ridiculous vocals every single week. Unless something ridiculous happens.” In Kara’s world, ridiculous is like Aloha, it means many things. And apparently one of the meanings is “amazing” and another involves a Tonya-Harding-esque plot against our songstress.

Ryan then had Arianna Afsar, Taylor Vaifanua, Alex Wagner Trugman, Kendall Beard, Scott MacIntyre stand up and he said, “One of these people is through to the next round. Which one is it?” Hilariously, someone in the audience thought they were being personally addressed and yelled “Scott!”, ruining the surprise that yes, it was indeed Scott. We then had to sit through a commercial break that was all for nothing.

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