Not Safe For Work

John Mayer is possibly maybe hooking up with Taylor Swift these days, but that doesn’t stop him from talking about all his former conquests. Seriously, no one in the history of time dwells on their exes this much except for this guy. In the March issue of Playboy (but of course), Mayer opens up about ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson , saying “Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say.” Only, guess what. That’s not all he said!

Mayer said that sex with Simpson was like a drug ”And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them.” Then the real diarrhea of the mouth started. “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f*ckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*ck you, I would start selling all my sh*t just to keep f*cking you.’” Um, what? Is it any wonder that Taylor Swift’s mother wants to keep this dirty old man away from her daughter?

In case that quote wasn’t delightful enough, he also said that since breaking up with Simpson he hasn’t spread his love around as much as we’d think. Asked how many women he’s bedded (because why not share that info with the world?) he replied ”I’m going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that’s a reasonable number.[Is it?] So is 15. Here’s the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.”  So listen up, local bands, it might seem like a dream to date an actress, but in reality, Jennifer Aniston’s vagina will make you jump through hoops just to enter, so revel in that ass you’re getting now.

[Photo: Getty Images]

We’ve already buzzed about Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler’s close encounters at the Golden Globes on Sunday night, and a source at Page Six confirmed that the pair was indeed making out in the kitchen of the Beverly Hilton after they presented together. Stay classy, Butlerston. (Wait, no - Anisbut. Please let  that catch on.) But there were also plenty of other hookup rumors abounding after the ceremony.

At the HBO after-party following the Globes, Straw Dogs co-stars Kate Bosworth and Alexander Skarsgard were seen doing their fair share of butt-grabbing and kissing. Skarsgard reportedly denied seeing anyone when an E! reporter asked him earlier that night, so maybe he was just getting a closer look as Bosworth’s multicolored eyes. The weirdest pairing we’ve heard of, though, is the rumored hookup between Mad Men’s January Jones and everyone’s favorite mercury-survivor Jeremy Piven. The pair was seen canoodling at the awards and then left an after-party at Chateau Marmont together. Between Jones’ crappy appearance on SNL earlier this season and now this, we’re thinking maybe Betty Draper’s humorless personality and taste in sketchy men isn’t really a stretch after all.

If people are this frisky at the Golden Globes, we can’t wait to see what’ll happen at the Oscars. [Photo: Getty Images]

Since we can’t celebrate peace or prosperity while we’re at war and our economy is in the dumps, we’re ringing in the new year with the next best thing: celebrity bikini pics! Our gallery is ordered from one to 100, with one being the hottest. We tried sticking mostly to candid photos, but bent the rules a few times — especially for Miranda Kerr (her Victoria’s Secret shots are just too hot!).

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1. Miranda Kerr (More Miranda Kerr bikini pictures)
2. Ashley Dupre
3. Annalyne McCord and sis (More Annalyne McCord bikini pictures)
4. Kim Kardashian (More Kim Kardashian bikini pictures)
5. Caroline Vreeland
6. Carrie Underwood (More Carrie Underwood bikini pictures)
7. Bar Refaeli (More Bar Refaeli bikini pictures)
8. Adrianne Curry
9. Sienna Miller (More Sienna Miller bikini pictures)
10. Eva Mendes (More Eva Mendes bikini pictures)
11. Holly Madison (More Holly Madison bikini pictures)
12. Rosario Dawson
13. Elin Nordegren
14. Katy Perry
15. Sophie Monk
16. Coco (More Coco bikini pictures)
17. Coco
18. Alessandra Ambrosio (More Alessandra Ambrosio bikini pictures here and also here)
19. Miranda Kerr
20. Vanessa Hudgens
21. Amber Rose
22. Nicole Scherzinger (More Nicole Scherzinger bikini pictures)
23. Jessica Alba
24. Rihanna (More Rihanna bikini pictures)
25. Nicole Richie (More Nicole Richie bikini pictures)

(more…)

After watching Jennifer Aniston sing “Yellow Submarine,” Ashton Kutcher and  Demi Moore were having a grand old time at the “24 Hour Plays” premiere in New York City on Monday night when an obnoxious guest ruffled Ashton’s feathers. “Demi and Jennifer Aniston were happily sitting together in the VIP when this guy starting really obviously making fun of Demi and things like her relationship with a younger man,” an insider said. “It went on for quite a while. Ashton heard it and approached him. At first he thought the guy wasn’t serious and was like ‘what the?’ He then realized he was serious. Ashton lost it.”

A massive verbal fight reportedly followed, and Demi looked very embarrassed. “It got pretty heated, nobody knew what to do,” the source said. Drama! [Source: FoxNews.com; Photo: Getty Images]

In the sex-recycling ways of Hollywood, this rumored coupling is inevitable but oh-so-uninspiring. Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler have reportedly been hooking up at NYC’s Soho House, “laughing and flirting” together (although alongside Jess’s sidekick hairdresser Ken Paves. Awkward!).

Although the plain-speaking Scot and airheaded Texan would seem to have little in common, they’re already connected by his rumored ex Jennifer Aniston who dated John Mayer who dated Jess. So they’ve practically done it already! [Photo: WENN]

Oh, not this again. OK! Magazine says John Mayer has been leaving his former Friends star-with-benefits Jennifer Aniston “flirty texts, phone calls, and romantic requests.” Did he leave a CD in her wonderland or something? E!’s insider says “Jen and John? That’s just not happening again. Ever,” but doesn’t actually contradict the story. After all, what would stop a cad like John from making half-hearted sexy talk to an alienated ex just for his personal entertainment? Let’s say he’s chilling with some young pick-up after a long day at the studio. “Hey, John. Did you really date Jennifer Aniston?” “Yeah, I hit that. Want me to call her right now and prove it?” We’ve all seen his comedy bits—you know he’s done worse (legal note: we do not actually know if he has done this, let alone something worse).

Then again, karma may be rearing its ugly head on John. Kristin Cavallari, who we bet would get a big kick out of pranking Aniston, told Ryan Seacrest this week that she once spurned Mayer—remember his “I never high-fived her with my penis” twit?—because she didn’t want to be “another notch on his belt.” That E! source says Mayer wouldn’t be bummed by “someone from The Hills turning him down,” but that only goes to show how little he cares about what the ladies think. Block him, Jennifer! He’s trouble!

[Photo: Getty Images]

We have long since stopped envying the billions of celebrity women who’ve passed through John Mayer’s revolving bedroom door, and now his latest quote has made us even more grossed out. “I have great balance and co-ordination. Inventiveness. I am a very inventive lover - that’s the secret to my success,” he’s reportedly said.

Blee! Now we’re just picturing how he “inventively” shagged Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson… and we wish we weren’t. [Photo: WENN]

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She may not look threatening, but Jessica Biel can ruin your computer! Jessica was rated the riskiest celebrity to search for by McAfee Inc, an internet security company. Searching for Jessica will give you a one in five chance of landing on a website that can infect your computer.

Those of you looking for Jennifer Aniston screensavers? She can also eff you up! She is the number three riskiest celebrity to search, right after Beyonce.

Be careful! [Source: Popeater; Photo: Getty Images]

• Anna Paquin: “I am not a Barbie doll.” [Popeater]

• Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler hook up [DListed]

• Mickey Rourke vacations in Croatia - in a Speedo! [PITNB]

• Victoria Beckham will guest host on The View. [JustJared]

• Forget New York Fashion Week, Pet Fashion Week is so chic. [SOW]

• Everyone went to see Kings of Leon last night. [Popsugar]

[Photo: Getty Images]

We love this rumored hookup! Britain’s Grazia magazine is stamping an “exclusive” on their report that Cameron Diaz is bumping uglies with Jason Lewis, aka Smith Jerrod of Sex and the City. According to them, the two blond health-nut Californians were spotted getting amorous in a Venice Beach restaurant.

“[They] were sitting in a corner of Shima Sushi totally wrapped up in one another. They couldn’t stop touching each other. And we couldn’t stop looking,” the mag reports fellow diner Trish Ratner saying.

Cute. It’s also been noted that in the fashion of Paul Sculfor and John Mayer, Jason is also a (brief) ex of Jennifer Aniston’s. Blimey. We’re surprised these two Hollywood A-listers haven’t become BFFs yet - they clearly have a lot in common, and plenty of comparison notes to go over with each other. [Photo: Splash News Online]